Hotel Cesar Lanzarote

Like being a test guest at an Instagram-ready hospitality college. Although we initially passed on their New Year’s dinner offer for a 350-euro-per-person tasting menu, that did not stop them from pressuring us a second and third time. At the moment when you must rely on a hotel for dinner (like a public holiday), they halt room service and squeeze you for more cash. The room I reserved and had confirmed was supposed to be the bright and spacious, 40-square-meter South East corner room with ocean view terrace, multiple windows and a private bathroom with free-standing tub. This room is unique in the hotel and offered at the second-highest price point, so I was astonished to get a room two doors down with no windows, no tub and which measured just over 25-square-meters. Usually, when your choice of room isn’t available, you get an upgrade—not downgraded two categories below the room you’ve booked. Our room was over-crowded with furniture and too many (dying) plants, and was significantly smaller and much darker than the one we were led to believe we were getting. Besides the main entry door, which cannot be left open at night and have no screens for those who wish to forgo air-conditioning, the only window in this room was onto the bathroom (where one is treated with a view of their spouse, partner, friend or family member having a bowel movement). I felt claustrophobic and cheated that I had booked in this poorly-ventilated room at a top tier price. Too much frivolous and non-functional design elements—like an odd, mouldy toilet roll dispenser, which falls over or gets wet when you shower. The entire bathroom floods since there is no barrier or shower curtain. Dental, sewing or shaving kits? Nope. Reading lights? Nada. Choice of pillows? Sorry (ours felt totally synthetic). TV or personal sound system? Fuhgeddaboudit. Many amenities one hopes for at a finer hotel are absent. Even some they promised, like a tea-making kit that never fully materialised. Dirty cups and glasses and soiled linens were not always replenished after cleaning. The terrace you share with neighbouring guests is clumsily organised, lacking privacy, and cluttered with even more (dying) plants. It’s the one area of the hotel which really isn’t very nice to look at, and clearly needs a redo beyond the current garden center potted palm labyrinth they seem to be aiming for. Dinner service felt like awkward, forced fun with way-too-bright track lighting, wonky ceramics and a table that wobbled. Half of the four dishes we ordered tasted bland despite the clouds of language around the chef’s reputation and local ingredients. The lack of a vegetarian main course (and veg options, in general) is puzzling. The friendly and polite staff cannot be faulted because the hotel is so obviously understaffed. We waited outside the front gates a couple times while our calls to reception went unanswered. During checkout, the woman who helped with our bill was visibly ill, and probably s